Taylor* lies in bed, trying to fall asleep, but all she can feel is her blood pumping throughout her body and hear her heart beating. Sleep deprivation is not the only side effect Taylor struggles with while dealing with anorexia — but she also deals with hair loss. Every time she stands up, Taylor becomes dizzy and blacks out for a few seconds.
Mayo Clinic defines anorexia as “an eating disorder characterized by an abnormally low body weight, intense fear of gaining weight, and a distorted perception of body weight.” Many anorexic patients, like Taylor, end up monitoring their calorie intake by generally eating less food.
How it began
Never happy with her body, Taylor found herself to be slightly heavier than all her friends, but she did not take action in changing her body until she binged on desserts at a high school banquet at the end of freshman year. “I had 3000 calories worth of desserts and that really triggered the restriction,” recalls Taylor. “The next day I made myself eat around 400 calories and continued eating less for a bit.”
Taylor felt the need to compensate for all the calories she had consumed the previous day and was further motivated by the prospect of a travel swim meet, where all of her teammates would wear bikinis. “I knew I would have to wear [one] because it would be hot, and everyone else would wear one,” she says, “but I hated my body, so I had to make sure it would be okay by then.”
Before limiting herself to a daily intake of 400 calories, Taylor was eating around 2,500 calories to keep up with her daily training as a competitive swimmer. Although Taylor did not crave more calories throughout the day, the transition to eating less was tough on Taylor’s body. “The first day all I remember was that I felt like I was going to faint at swim practice,” says Taylor.
Reality strikes
While anorexia affects a diverse set of individuals, 90 percent of those who have eating disorders are females. According to the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, teenage girls between the ages of 14 to 18 should consume anywhere from 1,800 to 2,400 calories daily. A healthy diet for a typical teenager should consist of three meals a day and periodic snacks with food from every food group: grains, fruits, vegetables, proteins, and dairy.
Continuing her 400-calorie diet for three months, Taylor simply wanted someone to tell her she looked skinny; however, when that day finally came, Taylor did not feel the sense of achievement she had imagined. “I was complaining about how cold the [pool] water was in the midst of practice…but no one [agreed] this time,” Taylor says. “[One of my teammates] was just like ‘It is probably because you are so skinny.’ Well it was technically what I wanted to hear; it just was not in the form of a compliment, so [it was] less pleasure than I expected.”
Nobody else said anything about Taylor’s figure up until three days before she was admitted to the hospital. Worried about Taylor’s weight, her mom sent Taylor to the pediatrician for a check-up. After weighing in and having a vitals check, which include blood pressure and heart rate measurements, Taylor was given the option of going to the hospital for three days, but she refused. The doctor gave Taylor orders to not swim, to eat more, and to return for another check-up in a few days.
To Taylor’s surprise, during the next appointment, she weighed even less, and her vitals were within hospitalization range. When Taylor asked the doctor if she could wait in the waiting room for her mom to return with her siblings, the doctor warned her that given her vitals, even just walking to the waiting room could result in a heart attack.
Sitting in the hospital, Taylor did not understand the severity of her health and reflects, “I mean, it was just numbers. I did not realize how bad they actually were … but the whole heart attack statement was surprising [since] I did not expect that one. It scared me.”
Treatment
While anorexia is called an eating “disorder,” the New York Times cites a new study, written in the journal Nature Neuroscience, calling anorexia a habit. Treatment for anorexia typically includes talk therapy sessions, with the goal of helping the patient recognize their problem. However, the study claims that even when patients say they want to recover, they still eat low-calorie and low-fat foods. The test asked 21 women with anorexia to rank foods and 21 healthy women, while researchers used a technique to scan their brains. The anorexic women showed lots of activity in the part of the brain that “involves habitual behavior.” On the other hand, the healthy women had activity in the reward center of the brain, when making the same decisions.
In the hospital, nurses constantly monitored Taylor. At night, every time her heart rate went below 35 beats per minute, nurses would wake Taylor up and force her to drink a 350-calorie protein drink. For the first week, Taylor had to drink two to three protein drinks every night, which was more than double her typical calorie intake pre-hospitalization. “My sleep was very disrupted. The first three days I was on total bed rest, which meant all of my meals and snacks were brought to me and supervised,” remembers Taylor.
Being held hostage to her bed, Taylor’s first days were filled with Netflix and books. While being lazy in bed all day sounds like every teenager’s dream, Taylor says, “It sucks when [I] literally [could] not get out, and Netflix gets boring after several hours. Being on bed rest meant that I could not shower, so I felt gross.”
Although many see the hospital as a symbol of healing and safety, Taylor found the hospital suffocating. “Everything sucked, but I was friends with two other girls my age. We just talked, complained together, and got through the schedule,” Taylor says, “Because this was a hospital, we couldn’t go outside. One time we convinced our nurses to let us have snack outside on the patio but that ended up being a disaster.”
During her hospitalization, Taylor attended mandatory therapy sessions. “[The therapists] were thrusted upon us, and no one cared. [Patients] did not want to change,” Taylor recounts. “All I wanted to do was get back in a way that my vitals were healthy, but I could still eat the way I was, which [I know] is impossible.”
95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.8
After two weeks, Taylor got her vital signs to surface out of the hospitalization range. However, Taylor was still not able to return to school yet, as she had to continue the same diet as in the hospital, not exercise, and do constant check-ups.
When Taylor went back to school, she did not tell anybody about her anorexia, except for one friend. “I would probably get pity from others,” Taylor says. “It turns a casual conversation into something serious and personal.”
Taylor, being a private person, has never felt the need to talk to anyone about what she went through, after leaving the hospital. Reflecting about what happened, Taylor says, “I would not want to [go through anorexia] ever again … that was a low point. [Also,] I am improving a lot more in swimming. I am trying to get recruited with a scholarship for college and need to continue to get better to do so and because I love food.”
While Taylor is still not comfortable with her body yet, she says, “What has changed is that I do not care that much about it anymore.” Advising others who do not feel confident about their figures, she says, “If you want to lose weight, you have every right to do so, as long as you stay healthy. Your health is far more important than your appearance and rather than going on a diet, try to love your body first. If you are completely healthy, there is no need to diet and instead, you should learn to love your body in its current state where it is healthy and can thrive.”
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