“‘Don’t be a pussy, tough it out, stand up for yourself,’” said senior Thomas Williams. “There’s a perceived notion that a man must always be confident … and it leads to this feedback loop where men are broken, but they think that if they seek help to improve themselves, they’re failing as a man.”
Men’s mental health has become a prominent and persistent issue within the Aragon community and society as a whole. Social pressures and personal interactions lead to difficult experiences to share about topics such as toxic masculinity, body image, depression or masculine stereotypes.
Toxic masculinity, for example, can be a damaging trait, resulting from embracing more masculine traits to the point of destruction.
“It’s masculine taken to the extreme,” Williams said. “So all the male traits [are] taken to the extreme. Confidence turns to narcissism, self assurance turns to violence and perseverance to the cost of someone else.”
Another form of toxic masculinity can be the impulse to suppress one’s own emotions.
ISSUE
“Normally, as a man, you’re expected to not be emotionally affected,” said senior Alexander McGuigan. “Being seen crying is a sign of weakness. If you’re having a breakdown, you can be seen as weak or not a man. For example, the cultural phrase: ‘be a man’ represents how a lot of males feel that [they] have to go by the stereotype of being a strong, independent male, otherwise [they] won’t make it.”
Freshman Julian Rhodes notices a similar pressure for men to hide their feelings.
“I’ve seen kids that can be bullied for going to a therapist,” Rhodes said. “People think, ‘oh, men shouldn’t cry. They shouldn’t show their real feelings. They should just deal with it,’ which is terrible. Expressing your feelings to others can really help; hiding your feelings and pushing them back can make feelings worse. People can get anxiety, depression and can’t express it because they feel like they’ll be looked down upon.”
In addition, many have faced personal experiences regarding the stigma to suppress emotions.
“I don’t like talking about being weak or feeling not enough of a man,” said senior Andrew McColl. ”[I share my feelings] really only in very critical moments where I’m under so much pressure that I’m [basically] crying in public. The last time I actually had an extremely open, honest conversation about all of my issues without hiding anything was tech week of Grease, when I was feeling so much pressure and there was a person that was making me feel really weak and not enough of a man. Then [my friend] noticed and I had to tell her about it. Even that doesn’t feel right, because she’s not going to get it own the same level [as my friends who are guys].”
COPING
The stigma around men sharing emotions with other men can cause built up emotions for men. To manage these pent up emotions, McColl uses music as a coping mechanism.
“I bottle [my feelings] up inside of myself and I just hold it all day … then I go home, and it just manifests and I listen to Radiohead all night,” McColl said. “Music is something that is so accessible. In three minutes you can compress something [very deep] into this tiny thing … It makes the emotions stronger inside of me, which brings me closer to the point that I might actually reveal something to someone.”
Not only can toxic masculinity lead to suppressed feelings, but also the suppression of passions.
“I’ve seen people too focused on how people perceive them that they won’t show their interests at all and they don’t do the things that they should,” Rhodes said. “If [you] really like art or something, I’ve noticed that people could look down upon you, [saying things like] ‘you’re weird’. It’s all about ‘I should go to the gym. I should focus on sports. I should focus on money,’ rather than focusing on passions, which I feel are really important.”
Toxic masculinity can also appear in the form of misogyny.
“You can see [it] in the little ways some men talk about women in a romantic or sexual sense,” said junior Leighton King. “It can also just be a general sense of rage. It’s really sad, because I think it’s an indicator of one of those things where these people are truly just victims of the system in which they were brought up in. If these people were just taught better, maybe they could have more healthy ideals about themselves and about women.”
BODY IMAGE
Another prevalent issue within the sphere of men’s mental health is ideals regarding body image.
“Over the course of freshman year, I lost 60 pounds or so,” King said. “Getting into what society traditionally considers more healthy shape, I think it was an overall good experience. That being said, the way I went about it was not healthy on any level. I would not eat till I got home at six. I was in such a severe calorie deficit that I lost [about] 40 pounds in a couple months, which is technically good for your health, but it was bad for my mental health. Once I lost that weight, I would say there was about a year period where I was not comfortable with eating in front of people and it really hurt.”
In addition to living in caloric deficit, men can also end up obsessing over working out in order to combat negative feelings regarding their body image, creating its own host of problems.
“People who go to the gym idealize themselves as their ‘pump body’, which [is their appearance] after they work out and turn bigger, and they set that as the norm,” Williams said. “After that they get body dysmorphia, where they feel small all the time, and that leads to a lot of self esteem issues, but it’s the same problem with people who don’t go to the gym. They look at themselves in the mirror and they [think], ‘I’m not in shape,’ ‘I’m weak,’ and ‘I’m not living up to what society expects as a man,’ … so it’s sort of this horrible expectation cycle where people who are on each end constantly reinforce their negativeness until they feel terrible about themselves.”
REMEDY
Despite these challenging, difficult thoughts that men face, men can improve their ability to count on one another from a day to day basis.
“I really like the idea of men considering their relationships,” said wellness counselor Max Bernstein. “Seeing how we already support each other. We already know how to rely on our friends, to rely on a sense of trust and support.”
McGuigan had the same message for other men around him.
“If you go to a wellness counselor or a therapist, I guarantee [it’ll help because] the first step to figuring things out in your life is telling people about it and figuring out what you’re thinking,” McGuigan said. “As long as you are able to talk about it and you don’t bottle it up, it’s going to help you in the long run ten times over.”
McColl found that opening up to his friends was a very cathartic experience.
“Start of September, I was getting food with [my guy friends],” McColl said. “We had a legitimately open, sobering conversation, and we were able to give each other advice and build upon each other, and they helped point me in the direction of something I needed to do that I really wasn’t considering. … You have to be open about [your emotions] and you have to trust each other and build each other up because everyone’s going through the same thing, and it’s important for everyone to just heal with each other.”
Williams felt the same way about honesty and open connection.
“It’s not just a girl-thing to talk about your mental health,” Williams said. “It should be an everyone-thing.”
