Abusive relationships

“[My abuser] drove me away from everyone I knew and loved,” said junior Brooklyn*. “He made sure I was separated from everyone I could look to as a source of help and kept me to himself. I didn’t have an outlet. I didn’t have anyone to go to at the time.”

Brooklyn’s experience illustrates a troubling reality for many teens in abusive relationships. Isolation, one of the most common tactics used by abusers, cuts victims off from the support systems they need most. For Brooklyn, this was the beginning of a cycle of control and manipulation — a cycle that affects almost one in 10 high school students, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Domestic abuse among teenagers often goes unspoken but is more prevalent than many realize. It can take many forms, from physical violence to emotional manipulation, verbal degradation and psychological control.
“The biggest misconception is … that in order for it to qualify as [an abusive relationship] that it has to involve some sort of physical abuse,” said wellness counselor Eddie Perez. “There are a variety of ways that one could be abused in a relationship because it is centered around power and control.”

PATTERNS
Abusive relationships often start small and subtle, blurring the line between normal interactions and harmful ones. For Brooklyn, the abuse initially appeared casual.

“We’d play-fight with each other,” Brooklyn said. “At first, I didn’t see anything wrong with that, but then it became a point where he would be the one attacking me all of the time and I would have to be the one having to defend myself.”
Control and manipulation can begin with seemingly trivial actions, like isolating the victim.

“First, he made me drop some of my close friends,” said senior Paige*. “It didn’t seem to be for any particular reason. He would make up reasons or excuses … He would say a lot of fake stuff and make things up. ‘Oh, they were talking [bad] about you. They don’t have your best interests at heart.’”

Abusers’ actions can also affect other interpersonal relationships, as victims pick up some of their behaviors.
​​”If I was having fun with other people he would get really upset, like ‘oh, you care more about them than you care about me,'” said Aragon alumni Lana*. “I had the same mentality [with my friends] … I ended a friendship of over five years because I was set in the same mindset he was in. I felt indoctrinated.”

Victims often internalize the stigma, choosing secrecy over seeking help, even from close friends.

“Even though nothing was outright said, it was very heavily implied,” said junior Diane*. “She would talk about her parents being angry and she’d have bruises … She kept it all to herself [because] you never know how someone’s going to react to something like that. She wanted a normal life at school and to not have that pity.”

The manipulation can spiral into more overt forms of verbal abuse.

“He called me a ‘slut’ all the time,” Paige said. “At homecoming last year when we were dating … he was holding my hand because we were dancing … [But] when we went outside, he threw my phone and said ‘here’s your phone, you bitch.’ He was calling me ‘passed-around’ in front of all my friends … [Later] that night he said ‘I’m so sorry. I never should’ve said that to you. I really care about what’s best for you.’ It seemed really genuine at the moment because he act[ed] like he cared about me.”

Abusers diminish self-worth by drawing unfavorable comparisons, often targeting their victims’ appearance or worth.

“He told my friend that he wished he hooked up with her instead of me while we were still dating,” Paige said. “He’d compare me to other girls, especially on social media. ‘You should look like her.’ In school, he’d constantly call other girls hot in front of me.”
Abusers find different ways to put their victims down through subtle put-downs to undermine their victims’ sense of accomplishment.
“In my junior year and his sophomore year, I had trouble with my math class but I finally got a good grade on a test,” Lana said. “When I told him, he said ‘oh I’m in [Advanced Placement] Calculus BC as a sophomore, so you’re kind of nothing.’”

EFFECTS
These constant comments can have a detrimental impact on self-esteem.

“It felt like he was setting traps along the way to throw me down,” Lana said. “I felt confident in myself before the relationship but I just hated myself after we broke up. He’d constantly throw jabs at me and it’d always be the same ones.”

Abusers can also do this through public humiliation and embarrassment.

“He would always make fun of me in front of his friends,” Paige said. “He would just try to embarrass me in front of my friends or bring up really personal stuff I would tell him or secrets.”

Besides these behaviors, gaslighting is often used by abusers to manipulate reality to make their victims feel “crazy” or at fault. The cumulative effect of these behaviors can erode victims’ confidence and sense of self-worth, leaving them questioning their own perceptions.

“It made me super confused and it got to the point where I thought I was in the wrong at times or ‘he’s not really a bad guy,’” Paige said. “He constantly made me feel like I was crazy. One time he said to me ‘I’m not gaslighting you, you’re just crazy.’”

Other mental health outcomes include struggling with emotional regulation, disassociation, numbing and trouble reading social cues.

“The relationship was so toxic that I didn’t feel like I was human anymore, and I had the worst derealization that I’ve ever had in my whole life,” Brittany said. “I was so upset at myself. I was blaming myself that it was my fault for the harm that had happened to me … At the time, I was almost brainwashed to the point where I was like ‘it’s my fault, I ruined the relationship.’”

While abuse has a significant impact on the victim’s mental wellbeing, it also has profound effects on their life outside the relationship as well.

“I stopped trying in school,” Paige said. “I could only think about the relationship, and gave up on my friendships.”
Many victims’ changed perception of love and ongoing healing prevent them from fostering healthy relationships.

“It was really hard for me to accept love after that relationship,” Brittany said. “I got into a relationship three months after I dumped him and it wasn’t healthy because I don’t feel like I loved that person the way I should have because I was still healing from all the trauma and everything I went through. It’s hard to give and receive affection when you were treated so horribly for such a long time.”

Ultimately, the impacts of abuse vary from person to person and are detrimental.

“I’ve seen so many horrific cases where people don’t trust anybody anymore, not even themselves,” Perez said. “The trauma is so great that it shows up in alcoholism or suicidal ideation or [having very] impulsive [urges].”

LEAVING
However, getting a victim to open up about their abuse and seek help is due to a variety of factors, including stigma and embarrassment.

“I never told anyone what was actually going on because I was embarrassed because [people] didn’t understand why I was leaving,” Paige said. “A lot of people [said to me] ‘if you don’t leave him, we can’t be friends anymore,’ because it was just so bad. I get where they were coming from, but at the same time, it’s a lot harder than it seems.”

According to some professionals, standing up for peers who are suffering is necessary. Not speaking up about abuse can perpetuate cycles that trap victims, especially since abusers take advantage of this.

“I was a therapist that wanted to hold everything in the room with me,” Perez said. “The Lead of Child Sexual Abuse and Exploitation in my organization did work with the perpetrators and asked them ‘what would have stopped you?’ The majority of them said ‘if I believed the child would have told [others].’ That was life changing for me. [I realized that] I can’t hold everything because I am continuing to keep the secret and the way to healing is letting the secret out of the dark and letting the light come in.”

For many, especially in toxic relationships, emotional ties also play a huge factor in the difficulty of leaving.
“I wish I was still with her, but [only] if we improved,” said senior Fred*. “I doubt that’s going to happen but I’d rather not cut [her] off unless [she does] me crazy wrong … She’s familiar to me and she’s my only relationship. I don’t have experience with other people. She feels comforting [to me] and if I’m seeking validation then she feels like my default.”

The healing and recovery process for a victim varies. For some, it’s extremely difficult.

“Everything’s blurry,” Paige said. “I just sat there in my room and did nothing. I exited the relationship. I got away from [him] as much as I could. I blocked [him] on everything. I distracted myself … The one thing that changed everything was telling my dad about everything that happened to me, everything I suffered. He really woke me up and said ‘Why are you still with him?’”

Some victims make a conscious and deliberate effort to break cycles of harm.

“I’ve made an effort to be the exact opposite,” Alberto said. “It hasn’t taken a bad toll on me, but it’s pushed me in a more positive direction.”

Ultimately, in toxic or abusive relationships, setting boundaries and finding support can be difficult but deeply important. Safety and well-being deserve to be protected, and seeking help is a brave and vital step toward healing.
“Take a step back,” Fred said. “Consider if it’s worth it or not. Sometimes it feels like they’re the only person in the world that [can] accept you for who you’re … If it starts impeding on your mental health, [then] they might not be the person for you.”